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Three Ups to Aging Well:
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Society imprints us with negative expectations about late life. Our culture has not historically expected much from the older population. Older people have not been challenged to grow and become more. The expectation has been to decline, to fade, and become less. If this is our expectation, our chances of doing precisely that increase. We must consciously program our minds toward health, continued growth, and meaning.
Ageism is alive and well in our society. Ageism is the term used to describe a societal pattern of widely held devaluative attitudes, beliefs and stereotypes based on chronological age. Any -ism is the need of one group to feel superior over another. Ageism is really the only –ism that is still on top of the table, not under it. It is not “cool” to be sexist or racist, but ageism is encouraged. The media and advertisers make it hard to feel good about how you look when the continual emphasis is on avoiding wrinkles, baldness, white hair, and so on. Older people, like any oppressed group, are asked to accept societal standards and assimilate Is looking your age getting to be taboo? Multitudes of products and services are trying to forestall or reverse aging. Our society appears to let market interests define how we should look. The anti-aging industry reinforces the notion that old age is repugnant, that how you look in old age is to be avoided at all cost—and cost it does. Nora Efron in her book I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts about being a Woman acknowledges, “What I know is that I spend a huge amount of time with my finger in the dike fending off aging.”
Be proud of the age you are. Gloria Steinem, in response to the meant-to-be flattering statement many of us have received, “You certainly don’t look like you’re 40,” said “This is what 40 looks like.” This response is good for any age. Some people retain amazingly youthful looks into old age. It doesn’t mean they are better people. It simply means they are examples of the great variety of ways people can age. Maggie Kuhn, the founder of the Gray Panthers, when introduced by President Gerald Ford as a "young lady," responded, "Mr. President, I am not a young lady. I've lived a long time. I'm proud to be an old lady." Wake up. The stereotypes are changing. We are part of the generation of pattern breakers. We are modeling the many ways 60-, 70-, 80-, and 90+ year-olds can look and act. When I was 60 I still liked to do adventurous white water canoe trips. I learned not to feel complimented if people let me know that I was different from other 60-year-olds. Of course I’m different. We are all different, and that is what is important to see. This is the way one 60-year-old is. If we want to be an exception and not join forces with other people in our age group, how will our age group reflect the spirit of people like us? My message is don’t even try to stereotype this huge age group. To accept the compliment I would be feeding the tokenism. I am not an exception. We are simply all different. Acknowledge, Gloria Steinem style, that this is the way one woman acts at this age and, in the big picture, she is one of many women. In order to find life meaningful, it is important to believe that our later years are as valuable as our earlier ones. It is a time
The emergence of an awake and aware, wise, and meaning-filled older generation is modeling a rebirth of gentler values, of caring and appreciating, that can reestablish equilibrium and psychological health to our society. Instead of the downhill slide attributed to aging, we begin to see an upward arc. Small p- purpose vs. Large P-Purpose How do I know what is meaningful to me? Ask yourself these questions: If you were asked by a child to tell about the most important thing you have learned in your life, what would you say? What was the best period of your life? Why? What do you think was the best thing you ever did for someone else? When you think of your parents or grandparents, what do you wish that you had asked them? What projects have given you the most pleasure? What can you do for a three-hour stint and enjoy so much that you don’t even notice time? At what have you worked hardest (social causes, career, friendships, marriage, parenting)? What are you proudest of? Think of a person whom you greatly admire? A person of great integrity? Give an example of how you saw this person demonstrate this way of being? Reflect on your answers. Continually ask yourself, What is truly important to me, and how can I get more of it? What can I do to be the person I want to be? Most people's souls are hungry for purpose, for meaning, for knowing that somehow they have made and are making a difference to someone or something. Vitality depends, in part, on the supply of meaning in your life. A sense of purpose does not mean you have to save the world or think in lofty terms about meaningfulness. Being kind and caring to one other person is purpose. Realize that it takes many people doing small things to make up a much greater force of caring. You don’t have to think in terms of a capital P-Purpose… small little purposes do just fine.
It’s important to know that you have a reason for being here, a reason to get up in the morning. People who have a goal, a project, or exude purposefulness know they are living their lives fully. Those of us who continue to grow and learn about subjects that interest us, appreciate art or music, tend our gardens, care for our cat or dog, help out our bodies by diligently caring for them, attend to someone who could use our help, or even give a kind glance to a person who just might be in need of it, are also exhibiting having a reason for being here. What we do and who we are matters. Show up for life. Reflect on some peak moments in your life. Life can be transformed, changed completely, in a moment—a moment that forces you to view things differently. Did someone ever say something to you that was transformative? Your peak moments may be those precious times when you know that "life doesn't get any better than this," when you stand in awe of nature or a work of art, when you know that you've truly connected with another person, when you have achieved a personal victory, or when you have completed a job "well done." Some of these moments just happen. You increase the chances of having more of these moments by putting yourself in situations where they more easily occur. "Follow your bliss," says Joseph Campbell in The Power of Myth. Follow your bliss speaks to taking action versus simply appreciating little bursts of grace that just happen. Following your bliss requires you to pursue actively those things that give you great pleasure. Once you recognize what it is that makes you feel vibrantly alive, you can use this awareness as a source of guidance in your life. Perhaps you need to seek out more time in nature. Maybe it is when you give love that does not require reciprocity, or become aware of a mysterious sense of knowing that you are much more than just yourself and are connected somehow to everyone, everything… a cosmic awareness. Such moments may be sustained or fleeting but they allow you to witness what bliss is for you, to understand yourself a little better. They can help you direct your journey. What do you need to do more of to feel this aliveness? Appreciate the ordinary. Developmentally, we appear to move from the simple awe and curiosity of a child to not even having the time to appreciate the ordinary as a middle-aged "fast track" person. Thankfully, we seem to return to this appreciation of simplicity again. This late life appreciation is much more sophisticated and hopeful than a child’s. We now choose to attribute meaning to the simple things with a deeper perception of their enormous value. Gentler values like being kind and caring beyond ourselves equates with basic healthy well-being. We know that doing good things for others makes us feel good. Now research is backing this up. I liked the direct response of one 86-year-old woman contemplating what gives her life meaning. She said, “I try to take care of myself, keep myself alive, and tend to the little flock of people I care about.” On further inquiry I found she did just that. She exercised, took meals to a cousin, drove different friends to the doctor and to the store, checked up on some friends by phone… kept herself busy tending to her flock. She thanked me several times after the workshop, saying she always felt that the mere question, “What gives your life meaning?” was a little intimidating. Now she appreciated figuring out a response that meant something to her. It is therapeutic to come up with an answer for yourself, for those other times when you wonder. We can do our little bit every day to move beyond focusing on ourselves and become part of the gentle but forceful critical mass tipping the scale towards enduring good. Think baby-steps—little p, not giant P –Purpose. |
Editor's note: Trish Herbert arrived in Minnesota in 1955 to attend Carleton College, and
she never left the state. She lives in the Minneapolis area
with her husband, raised four children, and now has ten
grandchildren. She became a licensed psychologist, receiving her PhD in her mid-fifties with a specialization in gerontology. She continues to be fascinated with people’s stories, the many twists and turns that life brings, and how well we manage to muddle through our respective journeys. As a psychologist she worked with older adults and their families, facilitated caregiver, grief, and support groups, and now, semi-retired, does some volunteering, teaching, and counseling. The excerpt below is from her new book, Journeywell: A Guide to Quality Aging.
of continued growth and can be a time of great deepening. It is important to affirm this later stage of life and encourage the accompanying ways of thinking and being that promote self-appreciation. A major hindrance to positive aging is continuing to equate only paid work with self-worth, thus diminishing the value of worthy avocations such as reading, traveling, volunteering, and caregiving, or the small but mighty deeds like being kind to your next-door neighbor. Life is likely to become meaningless and empty for those who can't expand their thinking about what constitutes basic self-worth. It is important to attribute new, positive meaning to getting older and to question and stop tolerating the deeply ingrained societal adoration of youth and negativity toward age. All stages of life have merit and problems. 
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