From Dreaming to Doing
by by Marianne Kilkenny

Editor's note: Marianne Kilkenny is a consultant, facilitator, and educator who works with groups and individuals looking for alternative models for living in communities as they age. Formerly an HR executive in California, she currently lives in Asheville, NC, where, over three years ago, she co-founded the Asheville Communities Network.  She also recently formed the Women Living in Community Network, which offers quarterly "Networking Days."

      One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night.

— Margaret Mead

I come home from my long trip to the West Coast exhausted from the time change and the joys of current air travel. As I turn into my driveway, I see my lights are on in my house and the shades are drawn. What a welcome sight for a woman living alone. I’m expected; someone is welcoming me home.

It is my neighbor, Ginny, who has been taking care of the house and my two cats while I visited distant states in my campaign to tout the glories of living in community. In the last 4 years I have encouraged, cajoled, and nudged my fellow boomers to investigate new ways of spending our lives as we move forward into its second half.

Home Alone

My quest to live in community kicked into gear when my parents died about five years ago. Because I had no children, I’d spent many years talking to my friends about emulating the Golden Girls (though maybe with separate dwellings!). It was suddenly time to do something about it. No time to waste.

Since then, I have sponsored conferences, one-day events, and spoken about women wanting to live in community in our second half of life. Why women? My answer: because I am one, and I understand us better. I believe in what Scott Peck said back in 1987 in The Different Drum: "In and through community lies the salvation of the world."

Urgency. Yes, there is some of that because I don’t have all the time in the world now. Not like when I was 20. And maybe that is a good thing as we endeavor to bring community to a large group of aging Americans. No time to waste.

Why, What, Who

So… what are the steps to envisioning your community? The biggest one is WHY?

Why is this something you want to do or might consider doing?

Is it the connection with others? Lights on when you get home? Mutual support? Shared gardens, cooperative meals, economic advantages and resources, business opportunities, sustainability (learning, teaching, and practicing it), community support and social networks?

Is it being with like-minded others, ease of education, health and fitness, creative expression, recreational opportunities, personal and spiritual growth, fun and laughter, shared resources, and overall ease of living? The list is endless. At the top of my own list is connection with others.

Then there is the WHAT— what will it look like, where will it be. Large or small, shared home, single family, multi-unit structures,  apartments, condos? Urban, suburban, walk to town, countryside, mountainside, forest? Shared home, eco-village, eco-city, cohousing, mixed?

Also, important is the WHO, the others in your community. Who are the people you want to be living with? All artists, elders, mixed generations, families, all women, multigenerational, like-minded or those who share your stated values and your location? How do you find those people?

Getting Creative

I am often asked which is more important, the place or the people? They are both important. As a spiritual person who believes we attract soul mates and welcoming locations to ourselves, I know that having a vision or even a sketch of what I want laid out helps. I can show it to someone, explain my thoughts, and convey my deep convictions. I can also enlist others in my vision. But only if I have one.

I often get calls — especially from women, whether married or single — who are looking for “a place to age in community.” It’s coming; they won’t have to wait long. Adaptation of current models such as cohousing, new urbanist villages, and naturally occurring retirement communities (NORCs) all are part of the solution. Possibly a hybrid, taking the best of these, will emerge.

One woman wrote her WHY this way: “I am 55 and would love to find like-minded and like-hearted souls who want to come together for greater ease of living, companionship, looking out for one another, and a sense of continuous growth mentally and spiritually.”

As of right now, I challenge you to talk, listen to others, go within, draw pictures, visit communities, or whatever is your way of clarifying your vision of your community. Maybe it’s staying where you are and making it a neighborhood community, using your identified WHY as your model.

That is possible. That is what I am doing.